Saturday, 26 December 2009

2010 .


The Christmas Period Is Officially OVER . . .
It's Time To Digest The Dry Turkey And Roast Potatoes And Think To The Future .

There's ALOT Of Talk About 2010 .
That's Because Everyone And Their Mum Has Claimed It As Theirs KMT .

Following On From My Fellow Moist Crew Member Mr . Paulo Gouveia Who's Pretty Much Planned WORLD DOMINATION And Kidnap Of This Guy . . .

In 2010 .

It's Only Right I Get My Two Cents In Too .

My 2010 Will Consist Of Achieving/Demolishing The Following . . .

1) DEBTS .
Fuck My Life And Student Loans . If Someone Told Me Being A Student Meant Literally Being At The Mercy Of Natwest Every Month . . . I Would Of Left It Alone .

It's A Recession Doe Still .
It's All Bout Makin' Baaaaare Peeeees And Paying Them Bad Boys Orf . . .

Then Shoutin' ;
'BUN NATWEST BLAAAAAAAAAAAAD'
THE END .

2) DRIVE BITCH DRIVE .
Yeah, That's Right .
Before My 20th Birthday I Will Pick My Mum Up From Sainsbury's In My Pergeot 206 . . . Allow My Red Car .
And On My Furby's Life I Will Pass The Bus I Used To Run For . . .

FUCK YOU LONDON TRANSPORT FOREVER .
Bun Di Oyster Card . Bun Boris Johnson .

3) POTENTIAL SUITORS ACCORDING TO MUMMY CAYOL .

'Hurry Up And Marry A Doctor' - Mum .
Few Things Really :
- When Men In General Stop Being Such Pricks Then We Can Talk About Marriage And Breeding Like Bunny Rabbits . . .

- My Future 'Doctor' Husband Is Likely To Be A Gynecologist . . . That Is Just Asking For A Visit Onto The Jeremy Kyle Show .

- Mum You Watch Way Too Much Holby City .
Allow Yourself It's Not Real .

- I Decide When I Unleash My Spawn Onto The World Thank You Very Much .

Mum, I Love You Dearly . . .
But Please .

LEAVE ME ALONE .

4) NEW YORK/AIYA NAPA/ANYWHERE I CAN GET MY BIKINI OOOOOORN .
With The Debts Paid Off And Uni Out For Summer . . .

It's Only Right I Spend Sometime Laying In The Shade With The MC .
Baaaaaaaaaaaaare Things Ah Go Gwarn Zeeit .


5) OBVIOUSLY I'M GOING TO GET A JOB AND SEDUCE MY BOSS AND GET PAID BAAAAARE MORE PEEEEEES THAN MY FRIEND 'Stuart' Who Will Add Me On Facebook, Like My Statuses But Always Air Me At Work .

Safe Stuart . . . Safe .
(Glad To See Your Social Skills Are Only Apparent Through Your Internet Connection)

6) I WILL OWN A NANDOS BLACK CARD .
It Exists .
Pixie Lott Has One . . .





I Want One Too .

Free Chicken All Day Every Friggin' Day .
Spicy Ricey For Lifey '10 .

7) PIXIE LOTT WILL TAKE ME TO NANDOS WITH HER BLACK CARD/TOTALLY BE ON IT .

Self Explanitory Really .

If I'm Ever Papped Coming Out Of Nandos With Pixie Lott In Heat Magazine . . .



Just Know .

8) I WILL BE A BORN AGAIN VEGETARIAN . . .
(Don't Watch 6 And 7)
I Can Survive My Whole Entire Life Without Nandos, KFC And Reggae Sauce Actually .


RACISTS .
Man's Already Started GET MEEEEEH .


I Told Her :
'No Chips, No Dips Just The Carrot Sticks .'
9) GOODBYE, GOODBYE MY FRIENDS GOODBYE .
No I'm Not Suicidal .
And I Won't Be 'Cutting' Anyone Out Of My Life To Make Way For Some More Bredrins In 2010 .


. . . You Did Get A Lil' Shook Doe Didn't You ?!



JUST A LIL' .













ADMIT IT .



10) I WILL BE 20 IN PRACTICALLY A MONTHS TIME #FACT .

Your All Invited To The PAAAARTAY . . .

WELL SOME OF YOU ANYWAY .
And So Concludes The 12 Months Of Nay .
Oh And Remember . . .
Whatever Your Doin', Wherever You Are Have A Funky 2010 !
Baaaaaaare xoxo's And Lots O' Love . . .



SPACE INVADER .

MOIST MOMENT .

We Were Given :
Two Hands To Hold, Two Legs To Walk, Two Eyes To See, Two Ears To Listen . . .
But Why Only One Heart ?!
Because The Other Was Given To Someone Else For Us To Find .

Friday, 25 December 2009

FESTIVE GREETINGS . . .

And Eatings From Space Invader . . .



#DryChristmasTurkeysFiDead

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

FAM IT'S ILLEGAL ?!

YOU Mr . 40 Something Year Old Man Should NOT Be Sitting Next To Me On A Bus . . .

Catching Bare Skanks In Your Headphones To Them . . .

GET ME .

Sunday, 13 December 2009

UGGS 2.0

And I Reiterate . . .

OI NICKY .

Wha Gwarn Fam ?!
Long Time No 12 Months . You Cool ?!
Listen Yeah . . .
I Know Your Busy Sorting Out Good Girls And Boys From The Bad Breed Ones .
But If It's Possible . . .
(Which I'm Sure It Will Be If You Want Rudolph To Live To See Next Year)


Naomi Elizabeth Cayol Would Like . . .


YES . . .
I Understand She Is A Living, Breathing ACTUAL PERSON
I Understand You Probably Would Have To Abduct Una Which Is ILLEGAL . . .
You Can't Talk Though Blud, You Break Into Millions Of Houses Every Year .
I Also Understand This Isn't 'Bad Santa' So The Chances Of Una Under My Christmas Tree Is Highly Unlikely . . .

FINE .
This Will Do . . .

* SIGH


From When You Can't Even Get Me A Person For Christmas Your Officially Slackin' And Just For That I Prefer Halloween
(NO JAY-Z)

Nicky Babes I'd Also Like It If You Could Possibly Bring Me This Guy . . .

YES AGAIN .
I Do Understand He Is An ACTUAL LIVING BREATHING PERSON .

I Do Also Again Understand The Chances Of Abducting Scorcher Is Pretty Slim Because Well You Know . . .

He Just Wouldn't Let You .

You Think Any Guy Could Roll To His Yard And Ask Him To 'Get In The Sack' . . .
I THINK NOT .

It's A Wrap Really . . .
And I'm NOT Talking Presents .

So The First Two Are A NO . . .

But Surely This Isn't Hard To Get ?!

It's A Supernova .



A Supernova Is NOT To Be Confused With This Guy Although He Too I'd Also Like . . .



But It Is The First Supernova I'm Talking About .
A Real Authentic Star From Space Purleeeeeeese .

Look Before You Cross Me Off The Bad Breed List Onto The 'Taking The Fucking Piss Now' List Hear Me Out Nicholas . . .


- Your Sleigh Gets From The UK To Australia In 0.60 Seconds And Excuse Me But I'm Sure Australia Is Half Way Across The World If My D In Geography Is Anything To Go By .


Totally Possible To Get A Star On The Way .


- Unless I've Been Mislead For The Past 19 Years Your Sleigh Glides Over The Fucking Moon Fam !

So Don't Try Tell Me You've Never Ever Got Someone A Star K-M-T .


So YES I'd Like A Supernova Please .

Anything Less Like A Glowing Piece Of Coal Is The #ULTIMATEPAR Rudolph Will Get Duppied Nicely . . . Capiche ?!

Lucky For Rudolph I Think That's It . . .
For Now .
All Love Doe Nicky !
See You In 2 Weeks Fam .
Yours Sincerly,
Naomi Elizabeth Cayol
Aged 19 And 10 Months .







Just Sayin' . . .

Merry Christmas .

Saturday, 12 December 2009

LENG ?!

So 2010 Is Fast Approaching . . .
And Alot Of People Are Now Exclaming That 2010 Is There Year .
Wait . . .
PAUSE .
2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006 And So Fourth . . .
Were All Your Year .
What Exactly Have You Achieved In Almost A Decade ?!
A Child Or Two ?!
A Few More Linkages ?!
A Court Apperance ?!
A Job Maybe ?!
Please Don't Be A Dickhead And Declare :
'2010 Is My Year To Leng'
Because Chances Are . . .
It Won't Be .
PS . What The Fuck Is Leng ?!

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

WHY . . .

Do I Find This Remotely Attractive ?!
(For Hours On Google I Typed In 'Sexy Bum')
I Liked This One .

Monday, 7 December 2009

DEAR RUDY . . .



Don't Aww Him . . . .

Listen Here Fam I'm Too Old To Be Calling You 'RUDOLPH'
NO It's NOT Me Being Stoosh I've Know About You For 19 Years Now . . .
'RUDY'
GET ME .

Few Things Really . . .

- If You And Your Bredrins Insist On Jamming Outside My Yard Whilst Nicholas Unloads My Shit . Please Don't Make A Mess Or Break Anything 'Cos Man Will Feel No Way In Kickin' You In Your Horns .

YOU SEE IT .
- Last Year I Bought Sainsbury's 'Taste The Difference' CARROTS . . .
JUST FOR YOU .
Yes You Red Nosed Wasteman . . . YOU .
Do You Know How Expensive Taste The Diffence Carrots Are ?!
Course You Don't .
You Didn't Eat Them . . . WHAT A WASTE .
I Haven't Forgotten .

- Having A Red Nose DOES NOT Make You Gang . It Means You Have Swine Flu YOU NEED To Be Put Down .
- Dasher, Comet, Donner, Blitzen, Dancer, Prancer And Cupid . . . Then There's 'RUDOLPH' .

PAR .

- Don't Get Me Wrong I Like You Rudy, But C'Mon Even You Know Your Slightly Overrated . What The Fuck Do You Actually Do Apart From Jam At The Front Of Nicholas' Air Whip ?!

- 'All Of The Other Reindeer Used To Laugh And Call Him Names . They Never Let Poor Rudolph Join In Any Reindeer Games .'

SKEEN .
Anyway Rudy, I'll Be Leaving Carrots Out AGAIN This Year . . .
Only This Time Straight Happy Shopper BASTARD .
Merry Christmas .

Yours Sincerly,
Naomi Cayol Aged 19 Years And 10 Months .



JUST ONE OF THEM DAYS .

GET ME .

Sunday, 6 December 2009

Saturday, 5 December 2009

A FEW THINGS REALLY . . .


'Facebook's Next Top Models'

It's Come To My Attention That Everyone Who's Anyone Believes Tyra Banks Types In Bare Random Names Into Facebook On A Regs And Recruits Those She Believes Have The Potential To Pose For Vogue . . .

All From One Single PROFILE PICTURE .

WRONG .
Tyra Banks Is A Prick . . .
YOU However Are A Slut .
I Thought After BEBO The Days Of Getting Ribcages Out In Profile Pictures Were Dead ?!

SADLY NOT .

Girls Are Still Putting On There Best Pout, Wearing There Tightest Top And Sucking There Stomachs In . . .
All To Get A Friend Request From A 'Good Looking Person' They DON'T Know .

DICKHEADS .
***

'I Declare My Love For . . . '

Whilst I'm On A Facebook Hype Might As Well Comment Again On The Percentage Of Girls Who Feel It's Necessary To Write An Essay Of A Status Telling There 48 Friends How . . .

'Amazing Hubby Is'
'He's My Rock Forever And Always'
'Life Is So Perfect'
'If I Didn't Have Him My Life Would Be Over'

. . . Kill Yourself Innit
*Vomits Blood

There's Nothing Wrong With Love It's A Beautiful Thing Cliche . . . ETC . . .
But When You Constantly Boast On How Life Is Perfect, Hubby Is Perfect It Is Actually Time To Get Married, Have Babies, Move To A Farm And Shut The Fuck Up Or . . .
Actually SHUT THE FUCK UP .
Please Note : NOT A Hater, NO I'm Not Bitter . . .
But There Comes A Point Where Your So Called 'Happiness' Jars My Life

***

And Finally . . .
It's My Favourite Time Of The Year !
And I'm STILL Being Sold Mistletoe Left, Right And Centre . . .

Your Spoiling It, You Really Are .
How Many Times Do I Have To Say :
'I Don't Need No Plant Or Bush To Enhance A Lipsin' Ting ?!'
Why Are You Not Getting It ?!
'C'Mon Love £2.50 For A Bunch Tis The Season To Be Jolly And All'
It's Also The Season For Cold Sores And Swine Flu . . .

NO THANKS IT'S NOT THAT TIME .
I Leave You With This . . .


If You Can Sort It I'd Very Much Like This Man And His Friend For Christmas .

Thanks .

Tuesday, 1 December 2009

STRANGER .


Hello .
Hi .
Wha Gwarn .
What's Good .

Safe .
24 Days Till Christmas Buy Me Something .

Since I've Been Away . . .

1) Someone Commented On The Fact That I Looked Like A 'Right Cunt' But After Getting To Know Me I'm Actually 'Alright .'

SAAAAAAAFE . . . I Think .
2) Some Next Market Trader Tried To Sell Me Half Price Mistletoe ! BLUD . . . How Desperate Do You Think I Look ?! I Don't Need No Plant To Enhance A Lipsin' Ting . . . GET ME .
3) I've Learnt La Senza Is THE BEST PLACE EVER For Cheap Thrills And A Frisking By A Sales Assistant/'Pervert' That Looks A Bit Like Cheryl Cole .
4) This Weather And It's Fucking Rain Is An Absolute Mockery Of My Life . . . THREE UMBRELLAS Got Merkled Nicely By Hurricane 'Par-Your-Hair-After-You've-Just-Spent-15-Minutes-Doin'-It' And Storm 'Ha-Ha-Frizzy-Lizzie' SHOCKING .
5) I Saw A Graphic Birth On TV And By The Dimension Of The Baby's Head . . . YOU JUST KNOW . The Days Of Wearing Hotpants And Thongs Are OFFICIALLY OVER . (I Don't Want A Baby . . . I'll Stick With My Tamagotchi Thank You Please)
6) Chocolate Cake In A Tin Is By Far The Most Complicated Thing I've EVER Tried To Make .
7) Someone Gave Me 'The Look' Across A Empty Library In Uni . . . I LIKED IT .
8) I Got Short Changed In Sainsbury's But Was Too Shook To Say Anything Because The Woman Had The Name 'Marcia' On Her Name Badge (Obviously A Yardie Woman, I'm Not Looking 'Fi Get Bun' Today) SORRY .
9) I Farted In A Lift With A Choong Looking 'Ashley Cole' . . . He Walked Straight Into It .

10) Spot The Pars In This Summary Of My WEEK .