Saturday, 26 December 2009

2010 .


The Christmas Period Is Officially OVER . . .
It's Time To Digest The Dry Turkey And Roast Potatoes And Think To The Future .

There's ALOT Of Talk About 2010 .
That's Because Everyone And Their Mum Has Claimed It As Theirs KMT .

Following On From My Fellow Moist Crew Member Mr . Paulo Gouveia Who's Pretty Much Planned WORLD DOMINATION And Kidnap Of This Guy . . .

In 2010 .

It's Only Right I Get My Two Cents In Too .

My 2010 Will Consist Of Achieving/Demolishing The Following . . .

1) DEBTS .
Fuck My Life And Student Loans . If Someone Told Me Being A Student Meant Literally Being At The Mercy Of Natwest Every Month . . . I Would Of Left It Alone .

It's A Recession Doe Still .
It's All Bout Makin' Baaaaare Peeeees And Paying Them Bad Boys Orf . . .

Then Shoutin' ;
'BUN NATWEST BLAAAAAAAAAAAAD'
THE END .

2) DRIVE BITCH DRIVE .
Yeah, That's Right .
Before My 20th Birthday I Will Pick My Mum Up From Sainsbury's In My Pergeot 206 . . . Allow My Red Car .
And On My Furby's Life I Will Pass The Bus I Used To Run For . . .

FUCK YOU LONDON TRANSPORT FOREVER .
Bun Di Oyster Card . Bun Boris Johnson .

3) POTENTIAL SUITORS ACCORDING TO MUMMY CAYOL .

'Hurry Up And Marry A Doctor' - Mum .
Few Things Really :
- When Men In General Stop Being Such Pricks Then We Can Talk About Marriage And Breeding Like Bunny Rabbits . . .

- My Future 'Doctor' Husband Is Likely To Be A Gynecologist . . . That Is Just Asking For A Visit Onto The Jeremy Kyle Show .

- Mum You Watch Way Too Much Holby City .
Allow Yourself It's Not Real .

- I Decide When I Unleash My Spawn Onto The World Thank You Very Much .

Mum, I Love You Dearly . . .
But Please .

LEAVE ME ALONE .

4) NEW YORK/AIYA NAPA/ANYWHERE I CAN GET MY BIKINI OOOOOORN .
With The Debts Paid Off And Uni Out For Summer . . .

It's Only Right I Spend Sometime Laying In The Shade With The MC .
Baaaaaaaaaaaaare Things Ah Go Gwarn Zeeit .


5) OBVIOUSLY I'M GOING TO GET A JOB AND SEDUCE MY BOSS AND GET PAID BAAAAARE MORE PEEEEEES THAN MY FRIEND 'Stuart' Who Will Add Me On Facebook, Like My Statuses But Always Air Me At Work .

Safe Stuart . . . Safe .
(Glad To See Your Social Skills Are Only Apparent Through Your Internet Connection)

6) I WILL OWN A NANDOS BLACK CARD .
It Exists .
Pixie Lott Has One . . .





I Want One Too .

Free Chicken All Day Every Friggin' Day .
Spicy Ricey For Lifey '10 .

7) PIXIE LOTT WILL TAKE ME TO NANDOS WITH HER BLACK CARD/TOTALLY BE ON IT .

Self Explanitory Really .

If I'm Ever Papped Coming Out Of Nandos With Pixie Lott In Heat Magazine . . .



Just Know .

8) I WILL BE A BORN AGAIN VEGETARIAN . . .
(Don't Watch 6 And 7)
I Can Survive My Whole Entire Life Without Nandos, KFC And Reggae Sauce Actually .


RACISTS .
Man's Already Started GET MEEEEEH .


I Told Her :
'No Chips, No Dips Just The Carrot Sticks .'
9) GOODBYE, GOODBYE MY FRIENDS GOODBYE .
No I'm Not Suicidal .
And I Won't Be 'Cutting' Anyone Out Of My Life To Make Way For Some More Bredrins In 2010 .


. . . You Did Get A Lil' Shook Doe Didn't You ?!



JUST A LIL' .













ADMIT IT .



10) I WILL BE 20 IN PRACTICALLY A MONTHS TIME #FACT .

Your All Invited To The PAAAARTAY . . .

WELL SOME OF YOU ANYWAY .
And So Concludes The 12 Months Of Nay .
Oh And Remember . . .
Whatever Your Doin', Wherever You Are Have A Funky 2010 !
Baaaaaaare xoxo's And Lots O' Love . . .



SPACE INVADER .

MOIST MOMENT .

We Were Given :
Two Hands To Hold, Two Legs To Walk, Two Eyes To See, Two Ears To Listen . . .
But Why Only One Heart ?!
Because The Other Was Given To Someone Else For Us To Find .

Friday, 25 December 2009

FESTIVE GREETINGS . . .

And Eatings From Space Invader . . .



#DryChristmasTurkeysFiDead

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

FAM IT'S ILLEGAL ?!

YOU Mr . 40 Something Year Old Man Should NOT Be Sitting Next To Me On A Bus . . .

Catching Bare Skanks In Your Headphones To Them . . .

GET ME .

Sunday, 13 December 2009

UGGS 2.0

And I Reiterate . . .

OI NICKY .

Wha Gwarn Fam ?!
Long Time No 12 Months . You Cool ?!
Listen Yeah . . .
I Know Your Busy Sorting Out Good Girls And Boys From The Bad Breed Ones .
But If It's Possible . . .
(Which I'm Sure It Will Be If You Want Rudolph To Live To See Next Year)


Naomi Elizabeth Cayol Would Like . . .


YES . . .
I Understand She Is A Living, Breathing ACTUAL PERSON
I Understand You Probably Would Have To Abduct Una Which Is ILLEGAL . . .
You Can't Talk Though Blud, You Break Into Millions Of Houses Every Year .
I Also Understand This Isn't 'Bad Santa' So The Chances Of Una Under My Christmas Tree Is Highly Unlikely . . .

FINE .
This Will Do . . .

* SIGH


From When You Can't Even Get Me A Person For Christmas Your Officially Slackin' And Just For That I Prefer Halloween
(NO JAY-Z)

Nicky Babes I'd Also Like It If You Could Possibly Bring Me This Guy . . .

YES AGAIN .
I Do Understand He Is An ACTUAL LIVING BREATHING PERSON .

I Do Also Again Understand The Chances Of Abducting Scorcher Is Pretty Slim Because Well You Know . . .

He Just Wouldn't Let You .

You Think Any Guy Could Roll To His Yard And Ask Him To 'Get In The Sack' . . .
I THINK NOT .

It's A Wrap Really . . .
And I'm NOT Talking Presents .

So The First Two Are A NO . . .

But Surely This Isn't Hard To Get ?!

It's A Supernova .



A Supernova Is NOT To Be Confused With This Guy Although He Too I'd Also Like . . .



But It Is The First Supernova I'm Talking About .
A Real Authentic Star From Space Purleeeeeeese .

Look Before You Cross Me Off The Bad Breed List Onto The 'Taking The Fucking Piss Now' List Hear Me Out Nicholas . . .


- Your Sleigh Gets From The UK To Australia In 0.60 Seconds And Excuse Me But I'm Sure Australia Is Half Way Across The World If My D In Geography Is Anything To Go By .


Totally Possible To Get A Star On The Way .


- Unless I've Been Mislead For The Past 19 Years Your Sleigh Glides Over The Fucking Moon Fam !

So Don't Try Tell Me You've Never Ever Got Someone A Star K-M-T .


So YES I'd Like A Supernova Please .

Anything Less Like A Glowing Piece Of Coal Is The #ULTIMATEPAR Rudolph Will Get Duppied Nicely . . . Capiche ?!

Lucky For Rudolph I Think That's It . . .
For Now .
All Love Doe Nicky !
See You In 2 Weeks Fam .
Yours Sincerly,
Naomi Elizabeth Cayol
Aged 19 And 10 Months .







Just Sayin' . . .

Merry Christmas .

Saturday, 12 December 2009

LENG ?!

So 2010 Is Fast Approaching . . .
And Alot Of People Are Now Exclaming That 2010 Is There Year .
Wait . . .
PAUSE .
2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006 And So Fourth . . .
Were All Your Year .
What Exactly Have You Achieved In Almost A Decade ?!
A Child Or Two ?!
A Few More Linkages ?!
A Court Apperance ?!
A Job Maybe ?!
Please Don't Be A Dickhead And Declare :
'2010 Is My Year To Leng'
Because Chances Are . . .
It Won't Be .
PS . What The Fuck Is Leng ?!

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

WHY . . .

Do I Find This Remotely Attractive ?!
(For Hours On Google I Typed In 'Sexy Bum')
I Liked This One .

Monday, 7 December 2009

DEAR RUDY . . .



Don't Aww Him . . . .

Listen Here Fam I'm Too Old To Be Calling You 'RUDOLPH'
NO It's NOT Me Being Stoosh I've Know About You For 19 Years Now . . .
'RUDY'
GET ME .

Few Things Really . . .

- If You And Your Bredrins Insist On Jamming Outside My Yard Whilst Nicholas Unloads My Shit . Please Don't Make A Mess Or Break Anything 'Cos Man Will Feel No Way In Kickin' You In Your Horns .

YOU SEE IT .
- Last Year I Bought Sainsbury's 'Taste The Difference' CARROTS . . .
JUST FOR YOU .
Yes You Red Nosed Wasteman . . . YOU .
Do You Know How Expensive Taste The Diffence Carrots Are ?!
Course You Don't .
You Didn't Eat Them . . . WHAT A WASTE .
I Haven't Forgotten .

- Having A Red Nose DOES NOT Make You Gang . It Means You Have Swine Flu YOU NEED To Be Put Down .
- Dasher, Comet, Donner, Blitzen, Dancer, Prancer And Cupid . . . Then There's 'RUDOLPH' .

PAR .

- Don't Get Me Wrong I Like You Rudy, But C'Mon Even You Know Your Slightly Overrated . What The Fuck Do You Actually Do Apart From Jam At The Front Of Nicholas' Air Whip ?!

- 'All Of The Other Reindeer Used To Laugh And Call Him Names . They Never Let Poor Rudolph Join In Any Reindeer Games .'

SKEEN .
Anyway Rudy, I'll Be Leaving Carrots Out AGAIN This Year . . .
Only This Time Straight Happy Shopper BASTARD .
Merry Christmas .

Yours Sincerly,
Naomi Cayol Aged 19 Years And 10 Months .



JUST ONE OF THEM DAYS .

GET ME .

Sunday, 6 December 2009

Saturday, 5 December 2009

A FEW THINGS REALLY . . .


'Facebook's Next Top Models'

It's Come To My Attention That Everyone Who's Anyone Believes Tyra Banks Types In Bare Random Names Into Facebook On A Regs And Recruits Those She Believes Have The Potential To Pose For Vogue . . .

All From One Single PROFILE PICTURE .

WRONG .
Tyra Banks Is A Prick . . .
YOU However Are A Slut .
I Thought After BEBO The Days Of Getting Ribcages Out In Profile Pictures Were Dead ?!

SADLY NOT .

Girls Are Still Putting On There Best Pout, Wearing There Tightest Top And Sucking There Stomachs In . . .
All To Get A Friend Request From A 'Good Looking Person' They DON'T Know .

DICKHEADS .
***

'I Declare My Love For . . . '

Whilst I'm On A Facebook Hype Might As Well Comment Again On The Percentage Of Girls Who Feel It's Necessary To Write An Essay Of A Status Telling There 48 Friends How . . .

'Amazing Hubby Is'
'He's My Rock Forever And Always'
'Life Is So Perfect'
'If I Didn't Have Him My Life Would Be Over'

. . . Kill Yourself Innit
*Vomits Blood

There's Nothing Wrong With Love It's A Beautiful Thing Cliche . . . ETC . . .
But When You Constantly Boast On How Life Is Perfect, Hubby Is Perfect It Is Actually Time To Get Married, Have Babies, Move To A Farm And Shut The Fuck Up Or . . .
Actually SHUT THE FUCK UP .
Please Note : NOT A Hater, NO I'm Not Bitter . . .
But There Comes A Point Where Your So Called 'Happiness' Jars My Life

***

And Finally . . .
It's My Favourite Time Of The Year !
And I'm STILL Being Sold Mistletoe Left, Right And Centre . . .

Your Spoiling It, You Really Are .
How Many Times Do I Have To Say :
'I Don't Need No Plant Or Bush To Enhance A Lipsin' Ting ?!'
Why Are You Not Getting It ?!
'C'Mon Love £2.50 For A Bunch Tis The Season To Be Jolly And All'
It's Also The Season For Cold Sores And Swine Flu . . .

NO THANKS IT'S NOT THAT TIME .
I Leave You With This . . .


If You Can Sort It I'd Very Much Like This Man And His Friend For Christmas .

Thanks .

Tuesday, 1 December 2009

STRANGER .


Hello .
Hi .
Wha Gwarn .
What's Good .

Safe .
24 Days Till Christmas Buy Me Something .

Since I've Been Away . . .

1) Someone Commented On The Fact That I Looked Like A 'Right Cunt' But After Getting To Know Me I'm Actually 'Alright .'

SAAAAAAAFE . . . I Think .
2) Some Next Market Trader Tried To Sell Me Half Price Mistletoe ! BLUD . . . How Desperate Do You Think I Look ?! I Don't Need No Plant To Enhance A Lipsin' Ting . . . GET ME .
3) I've Learnt La Senza Is THE BEST PLACE EVER For Cheap Thrills And A Frisking By A Sales Assistant/'Pervert' That Looks A Bit Like Cheryl Cole .
4) This Weather And It's Fucking Rain Is An Absolute Mockery Of My Life . . . THREE UMBRELLAS Got Merkled Nicely By Hurricane 'Par-Your-Hair-After-You've-Just-Spent-15-Minutes-Doin'-It' And Storm 'Ha-Ha-Frizzy-Lizzie' SHOCKING .
5) I Saw A Graphic Birth On TV And By The Dimension Of The Baby's Head . . . YOU JUST KNOW . The Days Of Wearing Hotpants And Thongs Are OFFICIALLY OVER . (I Don't Want A Baby . . . I'll Stick With My Tamagotchi Thank You Please)
6) Chocolate Cake In A Tin Is By Far The Most Complicated Thing I've EVER Tried To Make .
7) Someone Gave Me 'The Look' Across A Empty Library In Uni . . . I LIKED IT .
8) I Got Short Changed In Sainsbury's But Was Too Shook To Say Anything Because The Woman Had The Name 'Marcia' On Her Name Badge (Obviously A Yardie Woman, I'm Not Looking 'Fi Get Bun' Today) SORRY .
9) I Farted In A Lift With A Choong Looking 'Ashley Cole' . . . He Walked Straight Into It .

10) Spot The Pars In This Summary Of My WEEK .

Wednesday, 25 November 2009

EARLY BLOG .

MORNING .
Can We Be Nice To Each Other Today Please ?!
And I Don't Mean Absolutely Go Out Of Your Way To Beg It With Any Tom, Harry And Keisha .
But You Know . . .
Holding Doors And Striking Up A Conversation With Someone You Barely Even Know . . .

Might Actually Make Your Day .

Tuesday, 24 November 2009

THE BEST ADVICE EVER .


Courtesy Of This Man . . .

@KojoComedian

'Ladies Stop Listening To The Bitch In Your Crew That Can't Keep Any Man She Dates, Don't End Up Like Her This Christmas !'

TEAM JACOB .


Not Into Twilight . . .
But FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARKIN' HELL .
Jacob Wha Gwarn Doe Babes . . .
Holla At A Girl During A Full Moon Yeah .
SAAAAAAAAAAAAAFE .

Monday, 23 November 2009

VIDEO BLOG .

A ONE OFF SPECIAL With The Moist Crew . . . COMING SOON .

We're Like Loose Women Except :
- We're Younger
-BUFF
And say Youthful Things Like 'Bruv', 'Oi BLAAAD' And 'Rassclart' .

On Top Of That We're Quite The Quartet Of Funny People .

We Don't Do DRY OUT Topics !
They Call Us Moist For A Reason .
We Get Down To The Nitty Gritty No Titty Doe . . .

(Although Paulo WILL Mention 'Cooch', 'Pissflaps' And 'Piece')

BIG TINGS AH GWAAAAAARN .

Mark 'Moist Diaries' On Your Calendars Under COMING SOON .

We're Goin' In .

ALL GOOD IPODS GO TO HEAVEN .

Apple iPod Nano 2nd Generation
Also Known As 'Bluey'
2007-2009
Time Of Death : 2:46AM
Cause Of Death : Fatal Malfunction

Bluey Will Be Missed By :
The Saturdays, Pixie Lott, Lupe Fiasco, Dizzee Rascal, The Fugees, Horace Brown, The Klaxons, Master Shortie, Lady GaGa, The Score, Jamiroquai, Akala, Lloyd, Al B Sure, S Club 7, Drake, Amerie, Wiley, Bobby Valentino, The Virgins, Cheryl Cole, Craig David, Daniel Merriweather And Ghetts . . .
To Name But A Few Who Have Graced Bluey With There MP3/MPEG4 File Formats .

I'll Miss You Bluey .



* Tear

Sunday, 22 November 2009

FRIENDS . . .

Are For Filming The Moments In Life You'd Rather Forget .

I Introduce You To My SHOWREEL .
Through The Years . . .










I Would Explain Myself But Quite Frankly . . .
I Can't .

JUST TO LET YOU KNOW . . .



I'm Working On It . . .
'Ready For The Roads'
Soon Come Babes .
41/43 Pass Mark
#DASAPAR Still .

Saturday, 21 November 2009

YOUR ALL MOIST .

'i want candle-lit dinner..followed by rose petals in tha bedroom...bath wiv candles & more rose petals i want it all...loooool'
Just YOU Laura .

JUST YOU .

This Is My Personal Favourite :
@BlackTheRipper #youknowyouinlove when u throw a brick thru her window!
(Straight Ghetto Love)

Either Way Your NOT Helpless Romantics At Heart . . .
Just Really Really Moist Verging On SOGGY .

I'm NOT .
I Seduce You With My Words Daily But That's As Far As It Goes .
Keep Your Roses, Keep Your Candy I DO NOT WANT IT .

Few Things Really . . .

1) So We're In A Relationship, We're 'Happy' Happiness Is Only Temporary And Sooner Or Later You'll Annoy Me .
2) Stop Saying 'I Love You' Every 2 Seconds/Everyday . It Jars My Life To Know 'My Man' Is One Big Soppy Emotional Wreck .
3) DO NOT Bring Me Roses, Petals . . . Anything Flowery For That Matter NOT Even Potpourri . I'm ALLERGIC To Anything A Bumble Bee Has Ever Shitted On .
4) DO NOT Buy Me Endless Trays Of Chocolate And When I Ask 'Do I Look Fat In This' You Automatically Say NO . Stop Lying ! You've Been Feeding Me Chocolate I AM FAT !
5) Barry White Is A Mood Killer, My Mum Listens To Barry White . . . NO Just NO .
6) Call Me Shallow But I'm Down For The Gifts And Money . . . YOU ALL ARE !
7) The Most Romantic Thing I'll Ever Do For You Is Remember Your Birthday . . .
8) Maybe Hold Your Hand In Public .
9) Cheese On Toast And Cupcakes Are Officially The Best Romantic Meal EVER . . . Says Me .
10) Why The Cinema ?! Unless We're Sat In The Back Row There Is NO POINT In Us Going To The Cinema .
11) Hol' Tight Pinot Grigio Hangovers/'I Really Enjoyed Last Night' * Woo
12) Making Love Den's In Your Front Rooms Still Exsist, It's Fun . . .
13) If You Take Me To A Resturant In A Romantic Setting I'll Automatically Think You Want To Marry Me . . . NO And Allow It .
14) Serious Dates Like The Theatre Are Gay . We're Going Sky Diving .
15) 'Ghetto Love' Is Emotional Parring/Mental Scarring Thank God I Only Talk 'Ghetto' .
16) If You Do Decide To Dump Me . . . NO We Can't Still Be Friends And YES I'm Keeping Every Single Gift You've EVER Given Me .
17) Romantic Strolls After Dark In The Park Are For Serial Killers . NO THANKS .
18) Taking Pictures Of Us On A Lipsin' Ting And Putting It Up On Facebook Is Strictly Prohibited .
19) Christmas May Just Be The Only Time Where I'll Treat You Like Your The Only Person In The World (Christmas Is ONE DAY Count Yourself Lucky)
20) Pretty Much The 'Perfect Girlfriend' But THE WORST Romantic In The World . . .

Can't Have It All, Eh ?!
I Leave You With This . . .


From The Moist Collection .

I MUST ADMIT . . .



Pretty Good .

Friday, 20 November 2009

WHY DO . . . 2.0


Girls Take Pictures Of Themselves In Changing Rooms ?!
Has The Recession HIT YOU THAT HARD ?!
That You Find It Necessary To Take Pictures Of Yourselves In Clothes Your Probably NOT Going To End Up Buying ?!

What Are You ?!
A KleptHOmaniac ?!

To Add Insult To Injury You Go In Stores Like PRIMARK And Take Pictures . . .
#FUCKOUTTAHERE
Are You Serious ?!

PRIMARK Literally Give There Clothes Away .
AND Your Telling Me . . .
You Can't Spare £2.89 Max For A T-Shirt So You Take A Picture Of What Could Of Been .

I Cannot Get My Head Around It .

Here's The Thing . . .
They GO BACK Onto The Rail Except This Time Smelling Of Cheap Bodyspray/Hint Of BO .

How The Fuck Is That Fair To Poor Customers Like Myself Purchasing A Top Smelling Like Teenage Hormones ?!

I Could HOT Every Single One Of You Budget Bitches Up Right Now . . .
FACEBOOK OFFENDERS .


Know This One Is For YOU .

JUST THROWING IT OUT THERE . . .

'Ready For The Roads'
Coming Soon
February 2010

TWITTER BEEF .


YES .
Grown 20 Something Year Old MEN . . .
Starting Beef On The Social Networking Site Twitter .
Insulting Each Others Musical Abilities/Hair In 140 Characters .
In The Ubertwitter Corner . . .

Mr . Samson 'Black The Ripper' Blackaveli .

(He Has Beautiful Hair I Want To Play With)

In The Web Reply Corner . . .

The 'Merkle Man' That Is JAMMER From Boy Better Know .

As I Blog Samson Has Just This Second Tweeted To Jammer :

'Yo @jammermerkleman I'm sittin here with my boys watching ur new video & I just clocked ur actually goin NOWHERE LOL u can't spit & ur ugly!'

Samson BE NICE .

This Hasn't Been The First 'Twitter Beef' Mr . Blackaveli Has Been Involved In . . . OH NO .
It's More Of A Habit Now .

Introducing MASTER SHORTIE . . .
I Know .
Samson . . . 'Black The Ripper' How Could You ?!
NOT THEO !


Young Theo Looks Like Butter Wouldn't MELT, Surely Black Wouldn't ?!

HE DID . . .

MULTIPLE TIMES .

'#uknowitsarecession when you see @mastershortie wearing pink jeggins and his pink trainers'
**
'RT @SHANiiSTAR @BlackTheRipper hold on.. i dont think i actual know one of master shorties songs? i no loads of yours. shows summin dont it'
**
'RT @Lazyonline RT @LewisBoyce: @blacktheripper has got bare man on his side. fuck @mastershortie

Are Just Some Of The 34528542097236.5 Pars A DAY Black The Ripper Has Dished Out To @mastershortie Via Ubertwitter .

All Because Master Shortie Made A Boo Boo And Declared He Was 'The Best Rapper' In The UK . Then When Asked A Question On Some Next Radio Station Out In The Sticks Master Shortie Put Black The Ripper's Name 'On BLAST' . . .

Your Both As Bad As Each Other You Put His Name On Blast Via Twitter He Does The Same . . . Please Man The Fuck Up And Take It To The Microphone You 'MCEES' YOU .

ONE QUESTION Though . . . Well Several Things Really .

1) Why ?!
2) Why Twitter ?!


** BREAKING NEWS
The Samson Vs Jammer BEEF Has Gone Quiet On The Twitter Front . . .

3) Your All Musicians . . . Can't We All Just Get Along And Spit Over A JLS Beat ?!
4) You Take The Term 'Internet Gangsters' To A WHOLE NEW LEVEL !
5) Will I Have To Hashtag #BULLETPROOFVEST Everytime I Wanna Tweet From Now On ?!
6) Just . . . Insults And PARS In 140 Characters ?! How Do You Manage That ?!
7) Samson . . . Where The Fuck Is Edmonton ?! Excuse My Language Because I Know You'll Send For Me .
8) RT By 'Followers' Is GAY . Stop Getting Them Involved .
9) WTF ?! Pointless .
10) Get Record Deals, Get A Job Or Get The Fuck Off Twitter And Stop Being Immature Twats .

** BREAKING TWEET

'yo @jammermerkleman why aint u chattin shit no more?? you called me short!! lol does that mean u want me to cuss da shit out of u on twitter'

Samson Please It's 3:19 In The Morning . . .
Jammer Doesn't Have The Energy To Tweet Right Now He's Probably Sleepin' (AAAAAAAAHHHH) . . .
You Do The Same And Put That Pretty Little Head Of Hairs Of Yours To Bed Now .


Thursday, 19 November 2009

'LE WASTEMAN'


Basically My Life Is ONE BIG PAR . . .
Whether I Par Myself Or Someone Else Pars Me .

It's DAILY .
(And Happens Every 7.5 Seconds)

Today Naomi Elizabeth Was Parred By Two French Girls . . . FOREIGN And They Still Manage To Par My Life Differently In There OWN LITTLE LANGUAGE .
So Basically Everything Is Kushty Naomi Is Actually Getting Some Work Done BOOM . . .
Then I Look To The Corner Of My Eye And See 'Frenchie' (Ironically That Was Her Name, She Had Her Facebook Up And Everyting) CLOCKING MY FACE .

Like Proper CLOCKING/COUNTING The Spots On My Cheek (I Had None But That's How HARD She Was Clocking Me) Obviously I Carried On Doing My Work, It Was My Buff Side She Was Clocking So I Was Thinking Clock Away WHATEVER .

But The Friend Decided To Mosey In And Started Staring At Me Too . . .
INTENSELY . To The Point Of AKWARDNESS (At This Point They're Whispering To One Another La This, Le That)

You Know Them Ones Should I Say Something Or Allow It . . .
BLUD YOUR NOW LAUGHING AND CLEARLY MOCKING MY LIFE .

I Said Something .

YEAH . . .
'Sorry We Do Not Unzerstand Zi Anglais'

I'm Thinking : CLEARLY YOU DO .
Because Frenchie Is Acting Like She Ain't French .
2 Minutes Later . . .

I Swear On UNA, I Swear On The Saturdays . . .
I Swear I Heard Frenchie Call Me :
'LE WASTEMAN'


C'EST QUOI CE BORDEL ?!
(What The Fuck ?!)

After The Initial Shock Of Being Called A Wasteman In French, I Felt Slightly Violated . . . I Eat Croissants, Like Garlic And Think Thierry Henry Is BUFF . YET I STILL GET CALLED A WASTEMAN . Clearly NO Justice In The World AT ALL .

At This Point In The Situation Frenchie And Friend Find My Reaction Priceless, They Obviously Clocked (Because There Good At That) That I Now Knew What They Were Talking About .


Now This Could Go Two Ways . . . I Could Be Black With My Jamaican And South London Ways And Scream Rassclart Right Before Shanking You . . . Or Actually Be A Pussy And Say No More . With This Being Southampton NOT Brixton . . . Naomi Ducked Out Quick Time With Frenchie And Friend Still La Cackling In The Background .


#ULTIMATE LE PAR

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

WHERE CAN I GET A VIDEO PHONE ?!


OH MY GOD .
I'm So Hot For Beyonce/Gaga Right Now It's Unreal .

I Was NEVER A Hardcore Beyonce Fan . . .
Up Until NOW .

Lady GaGa RULES .
End Of .

In This Video BEYONCE Is Practically Naked, Shaking The Tittays, Shaking The Money Maker, Playing With Weapons, Crutch Out . . . Verging On SOFT PORN .
(Not That I'm Complaning)

Hol' Tight Lady GaGa Who Comes In At 2:30 Seconds . . .
Looking NORMAL !
FAAAAAAAAARKIN' HELL She Looks Hot When Normal !
'Hubba Hubba' I LOVE That Line !

Roll Through 3:30 Seconds BOTH In Sync . BOTH Dancing With Chairs .
There's Only So Much You Can Watch Until The Room Starts To Get A Lil' Hot .
GET ME .

It's Fair To Say This Video Will Get Absolutely Rinsed For A Couple Weeks/Years To Come . . .


ENJOY .
No Really Enjoy . . .

Monday, 16 November 2009

'I'M LIKE THE PERFECT GIRLFRIEND . . .'

Basically Earlier My FACEBOOK Status Read :
Naomi 'Pippa Par' Cayol Listening To Songs That Frankly Remind Me To Get A Lover Or KILL YOURSELF .
(I Need A Play Thing Just For The Winter Then You Can Absconde Into Thin Air Come Spring)
STILL .


Don't Think Within The Space Of 2 Seconds My Status Wasn't Flooded With :

'Bit Much'
'Iniiiit.... Overreaction Yeaaaa??'


NO .

The Song In Question : 'You Should Let Me Love You . . . ' And So Fourth .
MOIST .
(Big Up The Moist Crew)

Anyway With It Being A Facebook Status The Subject Can Change At Any Time . . .
Naomi 'Pippa Par' Cayol Decides To Declare :

'I'm Like The Perfect Girlfriend .'
And I Am/Well . . . Would Be .

I Just Have A Few Rules/Regulations :

1) As Much As I Can't Be Controlled, I Will Go Silent When I Know Your Right
2) I Can't Cook So We'd Go NANDOS Everyday And YOU Will Eat Spicy Rice
3) I Play Football, You Play FIFA/PRO That Is BUFF In Itself .
4) No You Can't Meet My Mum
5) Weekly Trips To La Senza Are To Be Expected

6) I'm A Clean Freak, I Expect You To Wear Deodorant As Much As You Expect Me To Wear Eyeliner
7) I'm NOT Some Typical Girl That Gets Paranoid When You Air My Calls/Texts Just Know If You Decide To Be A Fuckery . . . YOU Will Get Removed/Replaced Nicely .
8) I Can Be Affectionate Just Don't Call Me 'Boo', 'Bitch' Or
'Pookie' .
9) You Will Have To Carry Me Home When I'm Drunk, I'll Love You Later When I'm Sober

10) Some Girls Like Being Followed Around Everywhere By There Boyfriend . . . I Don't .
11) I'd Randomly Buy You Lil' Things Like Weed Or A Packet Of Rizla

12) We'd Go In Starbucks And Get A Caramel Creme (You'd Always Remember To Ask For Soya Since Wifey Is Lactose Intolerant)
13) If Your Room Is Messy, I Will Most Probably Clean It, Bleach It And Re-Arrange It .
14) If You Do Say 'I Love You' On Facebook Before You've Said It To My Face . #DASAPAR Immediate AIRTIME Will Take Place .

15) You Can Tell Me Your Secrets I WILL Laugh But Find It 'Aww' That You Told Me .
16) I'm In NO Way Connected To Any Of Your 'Bredrins', 'Bruddas', 'Famo' AT ALL .
17) I'll Let You Spit 'Bars' To Me And Say There Good Even Though I Think THEY ARE SHIT .

18) Don't Ever Say 'Why Can't We Be Like Jay-Z And Beyonce ?!' Who's Got PEEEEES ?!
19) I'm Nice Most Of The Time, I Expect You To Be Quite Nice Too . . . Not Nice To The Point Of It Being Overbaring/Gay .

20) I SIMPLE ASK YOU DO NOT Cheat/Lie And Steal . This Is Not A Game Of Goldenballs . Any Sort Of Unfaithfulness In This Relationship Will NOT Be Tolerated Because You Simply Will Get AIR And In The Words Of This Woman :



GET ME .

Sunday, 15 November 2009

DAVID BECKHAM .



OH NO YOU DIDN'T .

DARNELL SWALLOW .


Your Surname Is Legendary .
Swallow . . .
YOU ARE PISSED .
(Ha)


Besides The Point .

DARNELL SWALLOW . . .
You May Remember Him As The Albino Guy From Big Brother 9 .
Singing 'Cookie Love' With Some Next Woman That Looked Like A Pokemon . . .

And Trying In Vain To Inject Some Black Into This Girl . . .


HE FAILED .


Anyway . . .

He's Back !
Still Albino .
Still Making 'Music' . . .
With This Lil' Number .
'Kisses Aren't Contracts'

Few Things Really . . .

1) Kisses Are Definitely NOT Contracts You Are Correct .
2) Everyone Is On A Lipsin' Ting Now Please Keep Up
3) A Cameo From Big Brother 9's 'Power Couple'
Luke And Bex Are NOT Permitted EVER .
4) The HOE Count Is Emotional
5) Let This Be Your First And Last Poor Excuse For A Music Video


I Feel Mean .

Call This 'Constructive Critism' Rather Than A Par . . .

THIS IS SHIT .

Saturday, 14 November 2009

#FUCKOUTTAHERE .

Southampton NEVER Ceases To Amaze Me .
NEVER .

So When You . . .

WASTEMAN OF THE SOUTH EAST COAST
Disrupt My Ears And Donaeo's Vocals . . .

I'm NOT Going To Be Best Pleased .
1) Who The Fuck Are You ?!
2) You Are Butters .
3) My Halls Are 5 Minutes Away .
You Stop Me Walking Through A Car Park . . .

PREADATOR .
PERVERT .
And WASTEMAN .
Your CV Is Looking Colourful Already .

Obviously Small Talk Is Vital In These Situations .
One Word Answers Must Become Your Best Friends . . .
Simple Yes/No/Maybe(s) Will Do .

But FUCK MY LIFE When Mr . Wasteman Of The South East Coast Says :

'Your Uni Gash, Innit .'

fg4294y29hygv03hgb0n304tb24 wvlovbs;pBIRBI;P VC b [CB SA[b[bn[BCN [Oer~@~$%@^$$yt@etr£:$~y@e@e~@@db@RWOPVQNN'[ 4V'[N54]54KD'SM'zasdnjgfovno3l5ny3ee33#543#'43#,3mhmee'4'#4#e4332439fhwno;dna
gwpgn32[pnbp;55432[h320[b5tygb[23btgvsd vkpvn 'wsaswna
3n35l'n3f;lns a'q'q' fvds '[w ngt42# .
I'm Sorry . . .

WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY ?!

'Your . . . UNI GASH Innit .'
UNI GASH ?!
GASH ?!
(If Anyone Really Knows Me They Know I DESPISE THIS WORD)
OH MY GOD .
Violation/Par . . .
Rolled Into ONE BIG FUCKERY !

Southampton You Well And Truly Have Some SHITTAS (Via @Marcusnarsty)

It Gets Better . . .
After Drawin' Me Like Any Hoe, He Has The Cheek To Ask . . .
NO DEMAND :
'Gimme Your Number'

GIMME ?!
After You Just Insulted My Whole Exsistance 'UNI GASH' . . .
4wprnht3pohbgve3p-9vbwcpB [ C[B CD' vg;k K CSWVSAafdcdbbg~~d~s~vgre~~S##t##reh#e34#evbgwe#gwg3m#
3#353#3#33#5eg#s,g#erwmg43w24l'/ 34 3423432%$%%&$%£%$£4224!""$%"!%"^&#4733#3wres'3#2 . . .
(Apologies Once Again)

You Want MY NUMBER ?!


I Have 19 More Days In This Shit Hole . . .
19 More Days .
*SIGH .