EARLY BLOG .

MORNING .

Can We Be Nice To Each Other Today Please ?!

And I Don't Mean Absolutely Go Out Of Your Way To Beg It With Any Tom, Harry And Keisha .

But You Know . . .

Holding Doors And Striking Up A Conversation With Someone You Barely Even Know . . .

Might Actually Make Your Day .

THE BEST ADVICE EVER .

Courtesy Of This Man . . .

@KojoComedian

'Ladies Stop Listening To The Bitch In Your Crew That Can't Keep Any Man She Dates, Don't End Up Like Her This Christmas !'

TEAM JACOB .

Not Into Twilight . . .

But FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARKIN' HELL .

Jacob Wha Gwarn Doe Babes . . .

Holla At A Girl During A Full Moon Yeah .

SAAAAAAAAAAAAAFE .

VIDEO BLOG .

A ONE OFF SPECIAL With The Moist Crew . . . COMING SOON .

We're Like Loose Women Except :
- We're Younger
-BUFF
And say Youthful Things Like 'Bruv', 'Oi BLAAAD' And 'Rassclart' .

On Top Of That We're Quite The Quartet Of Funny People .

We Don't Do DRY OUT Topics !

They Call Us Moist For A Reason .

We Get Down To The Nitty Gritty No Titty Doe . . .

(Although Paulo WILL Mention 'Cooch', 'Pissflaps' And 'Piece')

BIG TINGS AH GWAAAAAARN .

Mark 'Moist Diaries' On Your Calendars Under COMING SOON .

We're Goin' In .

ALL GOOD IPODS GO TO HEAVEN .

Apple iPod Nano 2nd Generation

Also Known As 'Bluey'

2007-2009

Time Of Death : 2:46AM

Cause Of Death : Fatal Malfunction

Bluey Will Be Missed By :

The Saturdays, Pixie Lott, Lupe Fiasco, Dizzee Rascal, The Fugees, Horace Brown, The Klaxons, Master Shortie, Lady GaGa, The Score, Jamiroquai, Akala, Lloyd, Al B Sure, S Club 7, Drake, Amerie, Wiley, Bobby Valentino, The Virgins, Cheryl Cole, Craig David, Daniel Merriweather And Ghetts . . .

To Name But A Few Who Have Graced Bluey With There MP3/MPEG4 File Formats .

I'll Miss You Bluey .

* Tear

FRIENDS . . .

Are For Filming The Moments In Life You'd Rather Forget .

I Introduce You To My SHOWREEL .
Through The Years . . .

I Would Explain Myself But Quite Frankly . . .

I Can't .

JUST TO LET YOU KNOW . . .

I'm Working On It . . .

'Ready For The Roads'

Soon Come Babes .

41/43 Pass Mark

#DASAPAR Still .

YOUR ALL MOIST .

'i want candle-lit dinner..followed by rose petals in tha bedroom...bath wiv candles & more rose petals i want it all...loooool'
Just YOU Laura .

JUST YOU .

This Is My Personal Favourite :
@BlackTheRipper #youknowyouinlove when u throw a brick thru her window!
(Straight Ghetto Love)

Either Way Your NOT Helpless Romantics At Heart . . .
Just Really Really Moist Verging On SOGGY .

I'm NOT .
I Seduce You With My Words Daily But That's As Far As It Goes .
Keep Your Roses, Keep Your Candy I DO NOT WANT IT .

Few Things Really . . .

1) So We're In A Relationship, We're 'Happy' Happiness Is Only Temporary And Sooner Or Later You'll Annoy Me .
2) Stop Saying 'I Love You' Every 2 Seconds/Everyday . It Jars My Life To Know 'My Man' Is One Big Soppy Emotional Wreck .
3) DO NOT Bring Me Roses, Petals . . . Anything Flowery For That Matter NOT Even Potpourri . I'm ALLERGIC To Anything A Bumble Bee Has Ever Shitted On .
4) DO NOT Buy Me Endless Trays Of Chocolate And When I Ask 'Do I Look Fat In This' You Automatically Say NO . Stop Lying ! You've Been Feeding Me Chocolate I AM FAT !
5) Barry White Is A Mood Killer, My Mum Listens To Barry White . . . NO Just NO .
6) Call Me Shallow But I'm Down For The Gifts And Money . . . YOU ALL ARE !
7) The Most Romantic Thing I'll Ever Do For You Is Remember Your Birthday . . .
8) Maybe Hold Your Hand In Public .
9) Cheese On Toast And Cupcakes Are Officially The Best Romantic Meal EVER . . . Says Me .
10) Why The Cinema ?! Unless We're Sat In The Back Row There Is NO POINT In Us Going To The Cinema .
11) Hol' Tight Pinot Grigio Hangovers/'I Really Enjoyed Last Night' * Woo
12) Making Love Den's In Your Front Rooms Still Exsist, It's Fun . . .
13) If You Take Me To A Resturant In A Romantic Setting I'll Automatically Think You Want To Marry Me . . . NO And Allow It .
14) Serious Dates Like The Theatre Are Gay . We're Going Sky Diving .
15) 'Ghetto Love' Is Emotional Parring/Mental Scarring Thank God I Only Talk 'Ghetto' .
16) If You Do Decide To Dump Me . . . NO We Can't Still Be Friends And YES I'm Keeping Every Single Gift You've EVER Given Me .
17) Romantic Strolls After Dark In The Park Are For Serial Killers . NO THANKS .
18) Taking Pictures Of Us On A Lipsin' Ting And Putting It Up On Facebook Is Strictly Prohibited .
19) Christmas May Just Be The Only Time Where I'll Treat You Like Your The Only Person In The World (Christmas Is ONE DAY Count Yourself Lucky)
20) Pretty Much The 'Perfect Girlfriend' But THE WORST Romantic In The World . . .

Can't Have It All, Eh ?!

I Leave You With This . . .

From The Moist Collection .

I MUST ADMIT . . .

Pretty Good .

WHY DO . . . 2.0

Girls Take Pictures Of Themselves In Changing Rooms ?!
Has The Recession HIT YOU THAT HARD ?!
That You Find It Necessary To Take Pictures Of Yourselves In Clothes Your Probably NOT Going To End Up Buying ?!

What Are You ?!
A KleptHOmaniac ?!

To Add Insult To Injury You Go In Stores Like PRIMARK And Take Pictures . . .
#FUCKOUTTAHERE
Are You Serious ?!

PRIMARK Literally Give There Clothes Away .
AND Your Telling Me . . .
You Can't Spare £2.89 Max For A T-Shirt So You Take A Picture Of What Could Of Been .

I Cannot Get My Head Around It .

Here's The Thing . . .
They GO BACK Onto The Rail Except This Time Smelling Of Cheap Bodyspray/Hint Of BO .

How The Fuck Is That Fair To Poor Customers Like Myself Purchasing A Top Smelling Like Teenage Hormones ?!

I Could HOT Every Single One Of You Budget Bitches Up Right Now . . .
FACEBOOK OFFENDERS .

Know This One Is For YOU .

JUST THROWING IT OUT THERE . . .

'Ready For The Roads'
Coming Soon
February 2010

TWITTER BEEF .

YES .
Grown 20 Something Year Old MEN . . .
Starting Beef On The Social Networking Site Twitter .
Insulting Each Others Musical Abilities/Hair In 140 Characters .

In The Ubertwitter Corner . . .

Mr . Samson 'Black The Ripper' Blackaveli .

(He Has Beautiful Hair I Want To Play With)

In The Web Reply Corner . . .

The 'Merkle Man' That Is JAMMER From Boy Better Know .

As I Blog Samson Has Just This Second Tweeted To Jammer :

'Yo @jammermerkleman I'm sittin here with my boys watching ur new video & I just clocked ur actually goin NOWHERE LOL u can't spit & ur ugly!'

Samson BE NICE .

This Hasn't Been The First 'Twitter Beef' Mr . Blackaveli Has Been Involved In . . . OH NO .

It's More Of A Habit Now .

Introducing MASTER SHORTIE . . .
I Know .
Samson . . . 'Black The Ripper' How Could You ?!

NOT THEO !

Young Theo Looks Like Butter Wouldn't MELT, Surely Black Wouldn't ?!

HE DID . . .

MULTIPLE TIMES .

'#uknowitsarecession when you see @mastershortie wearing pink jeggins and his pink trainers'
**
'RT @SHANiiSTAR @BlackTheRipper hold on.. i dont think i actual know one of master shorties songs? i no loads of yours. shows summin dont it'
**
'RT @Lazyonline RT @LewisBoyce: @blacktheripper has got bare man on his side. fuck @mastershortie

Are Just Some Of The 34528542097236.5 Pars A DAY Black The Ripper Has Dished Out To @mastershortie Via Ubertwitter .

All Because Master Shortie Made A Boo Boo And Declared He Was 'The Best Rapper' In The UK . Then When Asked A Question On Some Next Radio Station Out In The Sticks Master Shortie Put Black The Ripper's Name 'On BLAST' . . .

Your Both As Bad As Each Other You Put His Name On Blast Via Twitter He Does The Same . . . Please Man The Fuck Up And Take It To The Microphone You 'MCEES' YOU .

ONE QUESTION Though . . . Well Several Things Really .

1) Why ?!
2) Why Twitter ?!

** BREAKING NEWS
The Samson Vs Jammer BEEF Has Gone Quiet On The Twitter Front . . .

3) Your All Musicians . . . Can't We All Just Get Along And Spit Over A JLS Beat ?!
4) You Take The Term 'Internet Gangsters' To A WHOLE NEW LEVEL !
5) Will I Have To Hashtag #BULLETPROOFVEST Everytime I Wanna Tweet From Now On ?!
6) Just . . . Insults And PARS In 140 Characters ?! How Do You Manage That ?!
7) Samson . . . Where The Fuck Is Edmonton ?! Excuse My Language Because I Know You'll Send For Me .
8) RT By 'Followers' Is GAY . Stop Getting Them Involved .
9) WTF ?! Pointless .
10) Get Record Deals, Get A Job Or Get The Fuck Off Twitter And Stop Being Immature Twats .

** BREAKING TWEET

'yo @jammermerkleman why aint u chattin shit no more?? you called me short!! lol does that mean u want me to cuss da shit out of u on twitter'

Samson Please It's 3:19 In The Morning . . . Jammer Doesn't Have The Energy To Tweet Right Now He's Probably Sleepin' (AAAAAAAAHHHH) . . .

You Do The Same And Put That Pretty Little Head Of Hairs Of Yours To Bed Now .

'LE WASTEMAN'

Basically My Life Is ONE BIG PAR . . .
Whether I Par Myself Or Someone Else Pars Me .

It's DAILY .
(And Happens Every 7.5 Seconds)

Today Naomi Elizabeth Was Parred By Two French Girls . . . FOREIGN And They Still Manage To Par My Life Differently In There OWN LITTLE LANGUAGE .
So Basically Everything Is Kushty Naomi Is Actually Getting Some Work Done BOOM . . .
Then I Look To The Corner Of My Eye And See 'Frenchie' (Ironically That Was Her Name, She Had Her Facebook Up And Everyting) CLOCKING MY FACE .

Like Proper CLOCKING/COUNTING The Spots On My Cheek (I Had None But That's How HARD She Was Clocking Me) Obviously I Carried On Doing My Work, It Was My Buff Side She Was Clocking So I Was Thinking Clock Away WHATEVER .

But The Friend Decided To Mosey In And Started Staring At Me Too . . .
INTENSELY . To The Point Of AKWARDNESS (At This Point They're Whispering To One Another La This, Le That)

You Know Them Ones Should I Say Something Or Allow It . . .
BLUD YOUR NOW LAUGHING AND CLEARLY MOCKING MY LIFE .

I Said Something .

YEAH . . .

'Sorry We Do Not Unzerstand Zi Anglais'

I'm Thinking : CLEARLY YOU DO .
Because Frenchie Is Acting Like She Ain't French .
2 Minutes Later . . .

I Swear On UNA, I Swear On The Saturdays . . .

I Swear I Heard Frenchie Call Me :

'LE WASTEMAN'

C'EST QUOI CE BORDEL ?!

(What The Fuck ?!)

After The Initial Shock Of Being Called A Wasteman In French, I Felt Slightly Violated . . . I Eat Croissants, Like Garlic And Think Thierry Henry Is BUFF . YET I STILL GET CALLED A WASTEMAN . Clearly NO Justice In The World AT ALL .

At This Point In The Situation Frenchie And Friend Find My Reaction Priceless, They Obviously Clocked (Because There Good At That) That I Now Knew What They Were Talking About .

Now This Could Go Two Ways . . . I Could Be Black With My Jamaican And South London Ways And Scream Rassclart Right Before Shanking You . . . Or Actually Be A Pussy And Say No More . With This Being Southampton NOT Brixton . . . Naomi Ducked Out Quick Time With Frenchie And Friend Still La Cackling In The Background .

#ULTIMATE LE PAR

WHERE CAN I GET A VIDEO PHONE ?!

OH MY GOD .

I'm So Hot For Beyonce/Gaga Right Now It's Unreal .

I Was NEVER A Hardcore Beyonce Fan . . .

Up Until NOW .

Lady GaGa RULES .

End Of .

In This Video BEYONCE Is Practically Naked, Shaking The Tittays, Shaking The Money Maker, Playing With Weapons, Crutch Out . . . Verging On SOFT PORN .

(Not That I'm Complaning)

Hol' Tight Lady GaGa Who Comes In At 2:30 Seconds . . .

Looking NORMAL !

FAAAAAAAAARKIN' HELL She Looks Hot When Normal !

'Hubba Hubba' I LOVE That Line !

Roll Through 3:30 Seconds BOTH In Sync . BOTH Dancing With Chairs .

There's Only So Much You Can Watch Until The Room Starts To Get A Lil' Hot .

GET ME .

It's Fair To Say This Video Will Get Absolutely Rinsed For A Couple Weeks/Years To Come . . .

ENJOY .

No Really Enjoy . . .

'I'M LIKE THE PERFECT GIRLFRIEND . . .'

Basically Earlier My FACEBOOK Status Read :
Naomi 'Pippa Par' Cayol Listening To Songs That Frankly Remind Me To Get A Lover Or KILL YOURSELF .
(I Need A Play Thing Just For The Winter Then You Can Absconde Into Thin Air Come Spring)
STILL .

Don't Think Within The Space Of 2 Seconds My Status Wasn't Flooded With :

'Bit Much'
'Iniiiit.... Overreaction Yeaaaa??'

NO .

The Song In Question : 'You Should Let Me Love You . . . ' And So Fourth .
MOIST .
(Big Up The Moist Crew)

Anyway With It Being A Facebook Status The Subject Can Change At Any Time . . .
Naomi 'Pippa Par' Cayol Decides To Declare :

'I'm Like The Perfect Girlfriend .'
And I Am/Well . . . Would Be .

I Just Have A Few Rules/Regulations :

1) As Much As I Can't Be Controlled, I Will Go Silent When I Know Your Right
2) I Can't Cook So We'd Go NANDOS Everyday And YOU Will Eat Spicy Rice
3) I Play Football, You Play FIFA/PRO That Is BUFF In Itself .
4) No You Can't Meet My Mum
5) Weekly Trips To La Senza Are To Be Expected
6) I'm A Clean Freak, I Expect You To Wear Deodorant As Much As You Expect Me To Wear Eyeliner
7) I'm NOT Some Typical Girl That Gets Paranoid When You Air My Calls/Texts Just Know If You Decide To Be A Fuckery . . . YOU Will Get Removed/Replaced Nicely .
8) I Can Be Affectionate Just Don't Call Me 'Boo', 'Bitch' Or 'Pookie' .
9) You Will Have To Carry Me Home When I'm Drunk, I'll Love You Later When I'm Sober
10) Some Girls Like Being Followed Around Everywhere By There Boyfriend . . . I Don't .
11) I'd Randomly Buy You Lil' Things Like Weed Or A Packet Of Rizla
12) We'd Go In Starbucks And Get A Caramel Creme (You'd Always Remember To Ask For Soya Since Wifey Is Lactose Intolerant)
13) If Your Room Is Messy, I Will Most Probably Clean It, Bleach It And Re-Arrange It .
14) If You Do Say 'I Love You' On Facebook Before You've Said It To My Face . #DASAPAR Immediate AIRTIME Will Take Place .
15) You Can Tell Me Your Secrets I WILL Laugh But Find It 'Aww' That You Told Me .
16) I'm In NO Way Connected To Any Of Your 'Bredrins', 'Bruddas', 'Famo' AT ALL .
17) I'll Let You Spit 'Bars' To Me And Say There Good Even Though I Think THEY ARE SHIT .
18) Don't Ever Say 'Why Can't We Be Like Jay-Z And Beyonce ?!' Who's Got PEEEEES ?!
19) I'm Nice Most Of The Time, I Expect You To Be Quite Nice Too . . . Not Nice To The Point Of It Being Overbaring/Gay .
20) I SIMPLE ASK YOU DO NOT Cheat/Lie And Steal . This Is Not A Game Of Goldenballs . Any Sort Of Unfaithfulness In This Relationship Will NOT Be Tolerated Because You Simply Will Get AIR And In The Words Of This Woman :



GET ME .

DAVID BECKHAM .

OH NO YOU DIDN'T .

DARNELL SWALLOW .

Your Surname Is Legendary .
Swallow . . .
YOU ARE PISSED .
(Ha)

Besides The Point .

DARNELL SWALLOW . . .
You May Remember Him As The Albino Guy From Big Brother 9 .
Singing 'Cookie Love' With Some Next Woman That Looked Like A Pokemon . . .

And Trying In Vain To Inject Some Black Into This Girl . . .

HE FAILED .

Anyway . . .

He's Back !

Still Albino .

Still Making 'Music' . . .

With This Lil' Number .

'Kisses Aren't Contracts'

Few Things Really . . .

1) Kisses Are Definitely NOT Contracts You Are Correct .

2) Everyone Is On A Lipsin' Ting Now Please Keep Up

3) A Cameo From Big Brother 9's 'Power Couple'

Luke And Bex Are NOT Permitted EVER .

4) The HOE Count Is Emotional

5) Let This Be Your First And Last Poor Excuse For A Music Video

I Feel Mean .

Call This 'Constructive Critism' Rather Than A Par . . .

THIS IS SHIT .

#FUCKOUTTAHERE .

Southampton NEVER Ceases To Amaze Me .

NEVER .

So When You . . .

WASTEMAN OF THE SOUTH EAST COAST

Disrupt My Ears And Donaeo's Vocals . . .

I'm NOT Going To Be Best Pleased .

1) Who The Fuck Are You ?!

2) You Are Butters .

3) My Halls Are 5 Minutes Away .

You Stop Me Walking Through A Car Park . . .

PREADATOR .

PERVERT .

And WASTEMAN .

Your CV Is Looking Colourful Already .

Obviously Small Talk Is Vital In These Situations .

One Word Answers Must Become Your Best Friends . . .

Simple Yes/No/Maybe(s) Will Do .

But FUCK MY LIFE When Mr . Wasteman Of The South East Coast Says :

'Your Uni Gash, Innit .'

fg4294y29hygv03hgb0n304tb24 wvlovbs;pBIRBI;P VC b [CB SA[b[bn[BCN [Oer~@~$%@^$$yt@etr£:$~y@e@e~@@db@RWOPVQNN'[ 4V'[N54]54KD'SM'zasdnjgfovno3l5ny3ee33#543#'43#,3mhmee'4'#4#e4332439fhwno;dna

gwpgn32[pnbp;55432[h320[b5tygb[23btgvsd vkpvn 'wsaswna

3n35l'n3f;lns a'q'q' fvds '[w ngt42# .

I'm Sorry . . .

WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY ?!

'Your . . . UNI GASH Innit .'

UNI GASH ?!

GASH ?!

(If Anyone Really Knows Me They Know I DESPISE THIS WORD)

OH MY GOD .

Violation/Par . . .

Rolled Into ONE BIG FUCKERY !

Southampton You Well And Truly Have Some SHITTAS (Via @Marcusnarsty)

It Gets Better . . .

After Drawin' Me Like Any Hoe, He Has The Cheek To Ask . . .

NO DEMAND :

'Gimme Your Number'

GIMME ?!

After You Just Insulted My Whole Exsistance 'UNI GASH' . . .

4wprnht3pohbgve3p-9vbwcpB [ C[B CD' vg;k K CSWVSAafdcdbbg~~d~s~vgre~~S##t##reh#e34#evbgwe#gwg3m#

3#353#3#33#5eg#s,g#erwmg43w24l'/ 34 3423432%$%%&$%£%$£4224!""$%"!%"^&#4733#3wres'3#2 . . .

(Apologies Once Again)

You Want MY NUMBER ?!

I Have 19 More Days In This Shit Hole . . .

19 More Days .

*SIGH .

100th BLOG .

UNA ♥

What Better Way To Celebrate A 100th BLOG .

(Allow Me)

WINTER WARMER .

SAY NO MORE .

VERY SUPERSTITIOUS .

I Said To Myself I Wouldn't Blog On Friday 1-3 . . .


I Got Up At 7:13
I Had To Wait 13 Seconds For My Hot Water To Turn On
I Got To Uni 8:43
I Bought A Breakfast Bar For 30p

Do You See What Goes On Here ?!

I'd Just Like To Share Why The Numbers . . .
1 And 3 Are So Fucked Up . . .


- The Fear Of Friday The 13th Is Called 'Paraskevidekatriaphobia'


OR . . .

For Short .

- SAW The Ride At Thorpe Park Was Opened On March 13 2009 . 'Coincidently' The Ride Decides To Break Down Multiple Times With Rassclart People ON IT !


FINAL DESTINATION ANYONE ?!
(Allow That Ride 10000000.5%)

- The 'Da Vinci Code' Is Pretty Much A JuJu Puzzle, More So Than Connect Four And Hungry Hippos . . .
(Make Your Own Asumptions Innit)

- The 2009 film 2012 Is Set To Be Released On Friday November 13 2009 . . .
Now Why The Fuck Would You Do That ?!
And You Wonder Why People Need Admitting To Springfield And Them Other Mad House Places There . . .




It's YOU .


































ALL YOU .



So Next Time You See Some Next Crackhead On Road Talking About 'Doomsday', Borrow Them A Copy Of 'The Day After Tomorrow' . . .

REALLY FUCK THINGS UP .

- Stevie Wonder . . .

BABES .

(Big Fan)

No Really .

So FORGIVE ME .

BUT . . .


You Have NO RIGHT To Be Talking About Superstitions When . . .

You Can't Even SEE ONE .

Still I Leave You With This . . .

Seems Like The Right Thing To Do .

THE BEST OF TOPMAN .

Hi Boys . . .
Allow My Hoe-Ish Ways .

I Went On Topman And Saw Some BUFF People . . .

(Because I'm Nice, I Share There Faces With You)

Hello John, Johnny, Jonathan And Jack . . .

That's Not Really There Names .

(Just Incase You Were Wondering)

I Dub Thee Mr . Jamie Archer (20 Years Younger)

Make It 21.5 Years Younger . . . For Good Measure .

You Were Sexy . . .
(WERE Being The Key Word There . . . )

Then You Wore This . . .

And POSED LIKE THAT .

Allow It .

Aww He Looks Like A Watered Down Version Of BLUEY ROBINSON . . .

STILL CHOONG DOE .

Hello Mr . Foreign-Stranger-With-The-Deep-Eyes-That-Happen-To-Meet-On-A-Packed-Bus . . .

Wha Gwarn Babes ?!

And So Concludes The Buff Tings I Found . . . When Did Topman Start Hiring Sexy Models Anyway ?! As You Can See I Wasn't Interested In Purchasing Clothes . . . That Suit Mr . Foreign Stranger Has On Is £200 Alone (WITHOUT THE SHOES)

. . . YEAH I KNOW !

'Avin A Farkin' Laugh Mate .

PETER ANDRE 2.0

This Is A Beautiful Thing . . .

He Is A BEAUTIFUL MAN .

He Is Thee Perfect Example Of What A REAL MAN Is . . .

This Song . . .

GWAAAAAAAAAAAAARN PETE .

WHY DO . . .

Girls Take Photos In Toilets ?!

(We Go To The Toilet In Packs To Bitch/Top Up Make Up/Hold Clutch Bags Whilst Friends Go Pee)

All Well And Good . . . That's NORMAL .

But Why Would You Take 10 Minutes Out Of Your Lives To Actually Stand Outside A Cubical . . .

POUT/POSE .
And Take A Picture ?!


Do You Like The Smell Of Shit ?!
Are You A Pervert ?!


I'd Find It Very Hard To Pee/Make Any Noise Knowing There Are THREE Girls Outside The Toilet Cubical I'm In Taking Pictures Ready To Post On Facebook The Next Day . . .
(Might As Well Tag Me As The Cubical)


I'm NOT Guilty Of Taking Any 'Loo Photos' Because Frankly Who Has Time To Do That ?! (Clearly Most Of The Female Population)

Club Toilets Smell Like Piss, Beer, Cheap Perfume, Fake Tan And Invisible Cocaine Lines . . .
NO THANKS .
It Wouldn't Bother My Life If It Was One Or Two Pictures . . .


BUT IT'S 20 BILLION PHOTOS OF YOU AND YOUR HOES IN ONE POSE .

In A Toilet . . .


WHAT THE FUCK ?!
Can We Get Lives Now Please ?!

GET ME .

DIRTY LAUNDRY .

FAAAAAAAAAAARKIN' HELL . . .
Jeremy Kyle Needs To Join Facebook .

Facebook Statuses Are Clearly For Airing :
'What's On Your Mind ?!'

Not LITERALLY Airing What Is ACTUALLY ON YOUR MIND . . .

I Am Not Suppose To Know/Really Don't Want To Know :
- Someone Has Made A Fake Profile And Is Literally Mocking Your Life
- You Call Your Boyfriend Gay Pet Names
- You've Just Split Up With Your Girlfriend/Boyfriend And And Desperately Want Them Back
- Someone You Thought Was Your Friend Were Actually The Root Of All Your Problems
- Who You Lashed, Bashed And Splashed Last Night/The Night Before
- Who My 14 Year Old Sister And Her So Solid Crew Likes
- Your Awaiting A Text From Someone You've Liked For YEARS
- The Progress Of Your Labour
- Every Status You Write Is An Indirect To Your Ex-Girlfriend (Please Delete Her It's Getting Tiresome)
- Who Your In A Relationship With
- The Next Daggerin' Rave

Do You See Where I'm Going With This ?!
Why Do I Know This ?!

I Read Everything . . .

You Know The Term 'TMI' . . .

YEAH THEM ONES .

ROBIN THICKE .

AMEN .

CHRIS CROCKER .

Chris Crocker .

YES .

CHRIS CROCKER . . .

I'm Blogging The Prick Who Once Sent The World On Some Next Hype About :

'LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE !'

'Your A Fan, Innit ?!'

NO ARE YOU MAD .

(KMT For Even Thinking That)

Anyway . . .

He's Done Bare Videos On Irrelevant Shit Which Frankly I Won't Waste My Time/Blogspace/Life Talking About .

This However . . .

I Couldn't Agree With More .

CHIPMUNK 2.0

So I Was On The Sun Newspaper Website Today, Because Frankly Going To The Shop Is LONG .

(20p For Boobs And Stories That Probably Aren't True Are Not Worth The Purchase)

Plus I'm Quite Cheap .

(Besides The Point)

I Read . . .

Chipmunk Was Said To Have Tweeted On Twitter :

'I Wanna Die'

And . . .

'Is Suicide Easy'

Now Call Me A Hypocrite If You Like .

As Much As I Rate Chipmunk Highly As An Artist And Listen To His Music . . .

I Don't Like Him At All .

With Fame It's Normal To Become Quite Cocky .

But Don't Actually Become A DICKHEAD .

I Bare In Mind The Fact You Are 18 And Feel You've Worked Hard To Be Where You Are Today . . .

That's Cool But Don't Shove It In Other People's Faces .

Humble Pie With 'Keep-It-Real' Custard Maybe ?!

I'm Sure Your Tweets Were Taken Completely Out Context And You Didn't Mean Actual Suicide . . .

But At 18 Talking About 'I Wanna Die' . . .

(And Your Not Even An EMO)

DEEP .

In Chips Own Words :

'This Has Been The Most Difficult Time For Me . . . But I Will Get Through It ! Thanks For The Support . I'll Be Back Soon !'

I Leave You With This . . .

Chip Diddy Chip At His Finest .

WHY IS IT . . .

I Can Help Others But Not Myself ?!

I'm Quick To Dish Out Advice . . .

But Not Exactly Follow It .

#SELFPAR

Sometimes It's Best To Say Nothing At All .

* SIGH

SO BASICALLY . . .

If YOU KNOW I Think Your Some Next MEGA BUFF TING . . .

Then Repeat This Poem To Me Please . . .

(A Bit Like This Guy)

'I Wanna Try Counting The Ways I Love Her, And Lose Count In The Middle Just So I Have To Start All Over Again .'

* SIGH .

WTF ?!

Who Is This Fool ?!
He Looks Like He Belongs In Twilight . . .



Ready To Morph Into A Ware Wolf .
'Fugative' . . . Really ?! Fugative : 'Tending to wander; vagabond.'
'VAGABOND' . . . Basically A Tramp . You Just Got Parred By The Online Free Dictionary . PISSED . . . 'Jimmy Shoe' Do You Have A Foot Fetish ?! Are You Gay ?! Or Do You Just Like The Name Jimmy ?! I Won't Start On Dappy . Not Today . . . He's Probably Fugatives Brother .
Another Vagabond .
(Someone Informed Me The Other Day Dappy's Real Name Is Actually Dino)
She Obviously Doesn't Read The Blog .

THE WORLD IS MY OYSTER .

'The World Is One's Oyster'
Man Like Will Shakespeare Said It First . . .
('The Merry Wives Of Windsor' Do Your Research Innit)

20 Billion Years Later The Only OYSTER I See Daily Is . . .

Not So Much The WORLD . . . JUST LONDON .

That Is ALL .

NEVER TRUST A BIG BUTT AND A SMILE . . .

That Girl Is POISON .

SO . . .

A 12 Year Old Girl Says To Her Friend On The Bus Today :

'Yeah, So Why Do Girls Go Back To Someone They Know Is Bad For Them Then ?!'

DEEP .

Before I Go Any Further . . .

1) Your 12 . What Do You Know ?!
2) Stop Watching Trisha And Go Play .
3) REAL TALK .

The Answer To This Is SIMPLY . . .

Girls Don't Believe There Are Other Fish In The Sea . . .
We ALWAYS Go For That ONE Fish That Emotionally Pars Our Lives Time And Time Again .
It's Like We're Glutten For Punishment .

Why Do We Actually Do It To Ourselves ?!

Please Fix Up And Man The Fuck Up .
THANK YOU .
(Your Facebook Statuses Of Mass Heartbreaks And 808s Are Getting Excessive)

PS . I Wish I Followed My Own Advice
#SELFPAR

ARTSY DARLING .

(Okay So It's Lights Flashed On Any Girl Called Amy)

. . . I CAN BE VERSATILE TOO .

♥

BASICALLY .

YOU SMELL .

I Smell Everything .

(Ask About Me)

Call Me Some Next Type Of Nose Pervert If You Will .

But I Love Walking Past A Person And They Smell Bare Nice . . .

It Almost Makes My Day To Know That Someone Has Taken An Extra 5 Minutes Out Of There Morning To Smell Good .

It Beats The 'London Smell' Of Tramps, Buses And Chicken Shops .

The Only Time My Nose Is Ready To Self Destruct And Explode On My Face Is In RAVES .

You And 100 Other People Sweating In a Small Box Room . . .

BO BOMB !

That Is Why I'd Like To Put My Next Rant To Debate . . .

BOYS .

Why Do You Feel It's More Important To Co-Ordinate 'Garms' And Up Your Game/Swagger Than Smell Nice ?!

Surely Swagger Comes With Putting Deodorant On ?!

Why When It's Minus 20 Outside Do You STILL Smell Like BO ?!

What Part Of You Is Sweating ?!

Do You Like Being A Nuisance To My Nose ?!

Why Is It You Can Smell Other People's Farts And Not YOUR OWN BO ?!

Where's The Sense In That ?!

It's Not Just BOYS .

Boys Genuinely Don't Realize They Smell Unless You Tell Them .

GIRLS On The Other Hand Are Fuckeries And Blame It On Keisha .

GIRLS . . .

Your A GIRL Your Suppose To Smell Like Strawberries, Sprinkles And Glitter .

Anything Less Is MAJORLY SLIPPPPPPPPIN' .

(Ask Keisha She'll Tell You)

So The Message Is Simple Really . . .

It Doesn't Kill To Hold A Can 5cm Away From Your Armpits And Spray .

It KILLS NOSES To Completely Withold A Can From Your Armpits .

GEDDIT .